The Top Ten Ranger Jokes These "winners" were selected from entries in our contest. There may be better ranger jokes, but these are the best of what we received! If your joke is included in this list, please contact us at info@yosemite.org to claim your prize. You may select from a Yosemite Birding Festival t-shirt (size XL only), a copy of the small gift book entitled Yosemite Meditations, or a copy of the new YA book entitled The Ahwwahnee - Yosemite's Grand Hotel. Our number one joker, Jim Bearden, wins all three prizes. Ranger Joke Winner - Youth Division What do you call a ranger who looks like a dinosaur? A Rangersaurus rex From Alex Gomez - 8 years old Ranger Joke #10 During a campfire session, the ranger told the campers about the legend of "Bigfoot." Afterward he asked the campers if they knew how "Bigfoot" got his name. After a small wait, the ranger explained that "Bigfoot" was named for his grandpa(w). Al Desin Ranger Joke #9 Q: What is Smokey the Bear's middle name? A: The Donna McCarthy Ranger Joke #8 Q: What did the ranger get on his IQ test? A: Mud Rachel McKagan Ranger Joke #7 Q: What did the doe say to the ranger as she ran out of the forest? A: "I'll never do that again for a couple of lousy bucks!" Nancy Cucci Ranger Joke #6 How does a ranger tell if he's being chased by a black bear or a grizzly bear? He climbs a tree. A black bear will climb up after him, a grizzly bear will just knock the tree down. Chris Torrise Ranger Joke #5 Rangers advise visitors hiking in bear country to avoid surprising a bear by wearing little bells attached to their clothes and to carry pepper spray just in case. Q: How do rangers tell if there are grizzly bears in their area? A: By examining the bear scat they find. If it's black bear scat, it contains leaves and berries and smells musky. If it's grizzly bear scat, it contains little bells and smells like pepper spray! Jim Hebard Ranger Joke #4 Q: How many rangers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least four: One ranger to notice the need for bulb replacement and notify his or her supervisor of that need; One supervisory ranger to analyze the request and determine if the bulb truly needs replacement, then send in the maintenance request; One maintenance supervisory ranger to prioritize the need, acquire the bulb, and schedule the replacement; and One maintenance worker to go out and replace the bulb. Michele R. Myers Ranger Joke #3 A couple took a vacation to a national park with excellent fishing. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife used the opportunity to take the boat out. She did not know (or care) that several areas of the lake were closed to fishing. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Before long a park ranger in his boat pulled up alongside her and greeted her with: "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "is this guy blind, or what?" "You're in a no-fishing area," he informed her. "But, ranger, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, ma'am. I'll have to take you in and arrest you." "If you do I'll turn around and charge you with sexual assault," snapped the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," shot back the ranger. "Yes, that's true . . . but you have all the equipment." Keith Berger Ranger Joke #2 Q: What did they call the ranger who took a second job at the bank? A: The Loan Arranger! Mrs. Barbara Mohler Ranger Joke #1 A group of tourists, who had heard about how much fun it is to go ice fishing in the winter, decided to visit Yosemite and try it. After a few too many drinks at the lodge one evening, they collected their ice saws and fishing lines and headed out onto the ice. As soon as they started cutting a hole, they heard a voice booming out of the darkness: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Concerned and puzzled, they moved over about ten feet, and started cutting again. Once more they heard: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Hoping to have a successful experience, they moved all the way over to the other side of the ice and resumed their cutting. Again the voice thundered out: "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Finally, one of the party called into the darkness: "Okay, we give up. But how do you know all this? Are you God?" The voice bellowed back: "No, but you're close. I'm a park ranger, and tonight I'm patrolling the Curry Village Ice Rink." Jim Bearden